TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of area. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But yes, absolutely sure, let us have A further area in which American men can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and Trump Tower Damascus every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It can be that he must end applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from House, a function getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where friends may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "For those who Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have switch-down services."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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